Fighting alone
by Ms-Montana
Summary: AU Season 6 finale. What if Meredith had been 7 months pregnant? What would happen? Please read and review. Chapter 4 up now!
1. The If question

Fighting alone

Chapter 1: The If-question

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If you could undo something with one blink, would you do it? If you could change everything with one breath, would you do it? Are the bad things that happen to us, the milestones of our life? Would we be the same person if nothing bad happened? Nobody has answers for these questions. Nobody knows what would happen. The If-question. Are these questions important? What if life would have been worse, if the bad things wouldn't have happened? Do we ask these questions to get an answer? Do you we ask these questions because we want a change? Or do we ask them to be thankful that it happened like this, although it's horrible?

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I walked through the empty hallway. Silence. I wanted to be alone. Derek was sleeping. Again. It was a good sign. But I felt alone. He had woken up about an hour ago. He had been happy that I was alive and the baby healthy. Then he had fallen asleep again. I put my hand on my belly. 31st week. My back hurt and my ankles were swollen. They had replaced the mood swanks and the morning sickness. And I didn't know what was worse.  
I stopped. My stomach hurt. It felt like cramps. But it shouldn't feel like that. I breathed in and out. I tried to be calm. Everything would be okay. I had already felt them today.

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_I looked through the window, April standing next to me. I saw Cristina. I saw Gary Clark. I saw a gun. I saw Gary Clark, who pointed at Cristina while she was operating my husband. My guy. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I was afraid. I wanted to go in. I knew I would risk the life of our baby. I didn't even know the gender. But I needed to go in there. __And before I realized it I stood in front of me. Cristina looked at me in shock. Avery did so too. _

"_Please don't kill him." I whispered. He looked at me.__"Please don't kill him." This time I shouted it.  
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"He's my husband. He's everything I have. We're having a baby. Please don't kill him. Please." I shouted. I cried. I whispered. I prayed. I did everything at the same time. Suddenly I heard a gun shot. In my thought I was dead. But I didn't feel a bullet. I opened my eyes and saw Owen lying on the floor._

_"Is he alive?" Cristina asked worriedly. He was her guy. I nodded. Then I heard the one sound I didn't want to hear. I looked at the ECG and saw a flat line. I cried even more. Gary Clarke left the OR. His job was done. I sobbed. Silence. But then I heard a sound. The ECG was okay. Everything seemed to be okay.  
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"I pulled out the plug." Jackson explained and he looked at me. "He's okay." I breathed in relief._

"_Help Owen." Cristina told me.__ I nodded again. April helped me to carry him out of the OR. And then I felt the cramps. Nobody noticed._

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I sat on a chair on the nurse station. Nobody was there. I was completely alone. Cramps. Again. I took the telephone next to me and paged one number: Cristina's. She would help me. I knew it. I didn't feel better. This was a bad sign. And there was one bad sign after another. The blood on my blue pants was the worst of all signs. I breathed in and out. And suddenly… Everything went dark. And it was like everything was fine. Like I was fine. But nothing was fine. It was a really bad sign.

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Khalil Gibran, a poet and philosopher once said: "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Everyone has his own scars. Some of them are visible to the eyes. Some of them are deep inside our soul. But they have one thing in common. They characterize us.

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**I hope you all liked the chapter. I thought about doing a multi-chapter story. Tell me what you think about it in a review.**** Tell me what I should write. Tell me everything you want. I'm not a doctor and I'm not very good with these things, but I try to get information and be as correct as possible. All grammar and spelling mistakes are mine. Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Shonda Rhimes, ABC and the actors and actresses of the show.**


	2. Surprise me

**A/N: First I want to say that I'm over the moon! Thanks for the huge amount of alerts, adding and the reviews. I hope I get even more for this chapter. *wink wink* It will be a multi-chapter story. I try to update as fast as possible. One thing, I mentioned it in the first chapter: I'm not a doctor and not very good in medical t****erms. I try to be as correct as possible. If something is wrong, please tell me and I'll change it. All the information I added isn't confirmed. Thanks. P.S: Short chapter, I know. Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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Fighting alone

Chapter 2: Surprise me

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When we are children, we like surprises. They make us happy. We don't know what will happen. And that's the funny thing about surprises. We don't have a plan. We don't need a plan. When we are teenagers, they… They do nothing. Sometimes they are okay. Sometimes they annoy us. It's a mix. When we grow up surprises are there. But they aren't fascinating anymore. We know why they surprise us. They destroy our perfect plans. And we don't want destroyed plans, because we them. Sometimes death is surprise. Sometimes we know that we are dying. But do you want to know it? Or should it be a surprise? Even if it destroys your perfect plan?

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I opened my eyes. I felt dizzy. Around me everything was white. One of the hospital rooms. I lay on a bed in a hospital gown with machines around me. Cristina stood by my side.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked. I nodded.

"Is the baby okay?" My question surprised me a little bit. When I had found out I was pregnant I had been excited. But I hadn't known how to be a mother. I didn't know now. But I first thought about my baby inside of me.

"It seems good right now; your blood pressure is perfect. 120/80. It was a lower when we found you. You had contractions, but they stopped. I gave you Magnesium and Terbutaline to stop them. The ultra sound scan showed that the baby is okay. The baby messes 16 inch long and weighs 3.3 pounds. Almost perfect. I think it was the stress and the angst. You won't like to her it, but I have to confine you to bed. I think that's all." Cristina recited mechanically. I was impressed, although I knew she was a great doctor.

"Thanks. Did you tell it Derek?" I asked worriedly. I didn't know if he wanted to hear it.

"I didn't have time. We had to care about you first. Then there was something with Owen and Derek was brought to the CT scan. And now you woke up. Shall I tell him?"

"Not now. How much time passed?"

"Not much, only 2 hours." I sighed and looked at her. I knew she was concerned about my and the baby's condition. She would be the godmother. But there was something else. And I knew that she knew what I wanted to know.

"Owen and I discussed. About us. I didn't want to, but he didn't let me slip out his room. We talked and we are a couple now." I had to smile. It was funny. She deserved happiness. We all deserved it. Cristina smiled too and then we laughed like we always did. We laughed there wasn't anything to be happy about. I bent forward to her and whispered.

"Altman is old and antique. You are the new, fresh and young cardio goddess." Cristina nodded and I felt asleep again. Without cramps. But my dreams didn't let me forget this day. They didn't let me forget Gary Clark and my baby's health.

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_I walked through the hallway. Everything was empty. Nobody around me. And I wasn't pregnant anymore. I screamed for help and then he stood in front of me, Gary Clark. And I screamed louder. But nobody heard me. And I was afraid. And I felt my heart beating faster._

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Some surprises are good. We need them. They help us to live. We should enjoy them. Surprises don't last forever. Nothing lasts forever. And unfortunately we know that. But we try to forget it. Until reality catches us and we have to face the pain.


	3. Friendly family and familiar friends

**A/N:**** A new chapter! I hope you review it. I totally love reviews and comments and I'm very thankful for them. This chapter isn't from Meredith's POV, because she is sleeping, it's longer and mostly about the topic friends and family. And because of that I want to thank my best friend Tanja for re-reading it and helping me to sort out the mistakes. Thank you. =) Disclaimer: I own nothing; everything belongs to Shonda Rhimes and ABC. Only spelling and grammar mistakes are mine.**

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Fighting alone

Chapter 3: Friendly family and familiar friends

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A good friend is cheaper than therapy. Strangers are friends waiting to happen. An ounce of blood is worth more than a pound of friendship. The family is one of nature's masterpieces. There are hundreds of quotes about family and friends. Which of them are true and which are false? Is blood really thicker than water? Even if the water was brought by a friend when you are in desert?

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Cristina left her room and put Meredith's chart on the counter. She was exhausted. She would never admit it. She was the new cardio goddess. Cristina Yang, cardio goddess. It sounded great. She looked at her watch. 00:12 o'clock. Yesterday had ended. The worst day in the history of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital was over. Yesterday had been exciting. Being happy with _her_ person about little, healthy McBaby. Performing a surgery on her person's post-it husband. Watching _her _guy getting shot. It was enough. Cristina filled everything out and saw Lexie walking down the hallway.

"Hey, Little Grey, wait!" Lexie turned around and looked at her. Her eyes were red and swollen. Maybe of all the crying. She sniffed and took a deep breath.

"Please don't shout at me. I can't work now. I can't. I want to see after Alex and then go home. Please." Lexie almost started to cry again but Cristina raised her hand to stop her.

"Go home. I only wanted to know if Alex is her."

"Yes, he is here. Sleeping, but back from Seattle Presbyterian."

"Go home. I'm taking care of him." Lexie handed her his charts.

"He called me Izzie." she whispered. Cristina frowned and glanced at her in wonderment.

"What?"

"He thought I was Izzie. He thought she had come back. And I let him believe it." Lexie only wanted to tell somebody. And Cristina was somebody. Not the best somebody, but somebody.

"Stop crying. I'm neither your sister nor the person who solves your problems. I'm the person who makes your problems. He won't remember it. Go home, you will get over it." she answered and left her alone in the corridor. She couldn't stand crying women. Meredith; yes, but anyone else; impossible. The elevators still didn't work so she had to take the stairs. Although Alex was "Dr. Evil Spawn", he was the person who was like a brother to her. He was a half-time stupid, evil brother. She reached his room and saw him sleeping. Everyone was sleeping now. Owen was sleeping. Derek was sleeping. Meredith was sleeping. Alex was sleeping. Only she was still awake. She wondered if Izzie was awake now. Cristina immediately abandoned her idea when she thought about it. Bethany Whisper was sleeping. Maybe she didn't even know what had happened here yesterday. She had started her "new life" in Tacoma. Idiotic. His gasping jolted her out of her daydreaming. Night dreaming.

"Stop moving!" she commanded and pulled the tube out of his esophagus. Alex coughed and took a sip of water Cristina handed him.

"Thanks." His voice was croaky and quiet. She nodded and sank on her seat again.

"Why are you sitting here? Where is Lexie?" he asked and lent against the pillow.

"Everyone is sleeping. I'm bored. I sent Lexie home. She cried and looked horrible." she answered caustic as always. Alex raised the corners of his mouth to a smile, but it disappeared faster than it came.

"You know, getting shot is hell. It really hurts."

"Do you remember anything?"

"They couldn't anaesthetize me. That's all. What happened while I was away? The hospital has to be broke down because I was asleep." he almost laughed but then he remembered the pain and stopped. His humor was still there.

"11 people died. Derek and Owen got shot, but they're okay. And Meredith collapsed." Cristina's voice was calm and she didn't act like usually. She acted like a "normal" person with real feelings and she actually cared about her fellow men. She even thought about telling Lexie, that he remembered nothing.

"Wow, that was hell. Why did Meredith collapse?"

"Stress, fear, watching Derek being shot… Yes, I think it was one of those reasons." Cristina's biting sarcasm cheered his mood up, but he only wanted to sleep. Alex rested his head on the soft pillow and tried to open up his eyes. But it failed. Some seconds later he fell asleep. And she was bored again. Suddenly her pager went off. There was the number of a room flashing up. Meredith's room.

"Damn, Meredith." she called her name. Cristina stood up and let Alex alone.

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I've chosen my personal quote for family and friends: Friends are God's apology for relatives who aren't around. Everyone should have a personal quote for them. For family and friends. Even if there are family members you don't want to see that often. Friends and family are both helping you when you need them.


	4. Just survive

**A/N: ****Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry…. I'm really sorry for not updating such a long time. Now you have two opinions: 1): You can hate me (please don't hate me) or 2): You can enjoy this chapter and review a lot, so you get a new chapter very fast. I hope you take door number 2, which would make me very happy. Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I just write for fun.**

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Fighting alone

Chapter 4: Just survive

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There are two big things in life. Birth and death. Between these happenings is life. Actually there is more in between. Life consists two big things that you have to do. Living and dying. And then there is surviving. It's a thin line we and our patiens are walking on. And we try not to fail. Or to fall down. Doctors want people to survive. We want to save lives. That's the reason we choose this job. 

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_I couldn't open my mouth. I couldn't scream. I had to be silent. He scared me. Gary Clarke scared me. I didn't even make one move. His eyes were dark. And then I ran. Ran as fast as I could. Ran up the stairs. Ran down the hallway. Ran beside the patient rooms. I just ran. And then I stopped. In front of the OR. I hid in it. I could hardly breathe. I took some time to look around me. I turned my head up and down. He wasn't there. He hadn't followed me.__ There lay somebody in the room. I wasn't alone. I went to the person and looked into his eyes. Derek. I fell to the ground. And then my head sank down to floor._

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My eyes opened again. Everything was one blur. I felt like a wrestler after a big fight. I could see the shadows of people, standing beside my bed. I felt nothing. Except pain. A sharp pain in my abdomen. The head of the OB/GYN, Dr. Karen Hollow had a long paper stripe in her hand. Cristina looked anxious at the monitors. They both seemed worried. And I didn't like people who looked worried. I was the same kind of doctor. Looking worried when we thought our patients were sleeping. It was a bad sign.

"She needs a surgery. As soon as possible. I'm getting an OR." Hollow stated. I sighed and took a deep breath. Now I realized that there was an oxygen mask over my mouth.

"What's happening to me?" I asked, after I had taken the mask away. They looked at me, but their face expressions didn't chance. My voice was not more than a whisper. My plan had been to say it with self-confidence, but my plan failed. Like my plan to have a normal pregnancy already failed.

"You are in labour. You loose blood. We have to deliver the baby. The baby's blood pressure became lower within the last hours." Dr. Hollow explained what I already knew. My baby would be born now. 9 weeks too early. Premature births weren't rare nowadays. They could survive. But I was afraid.

"Tell Derek." I said. Whispered, to be honest. Cristina stopped me talking and put the oxygen mask back on my face.

"I already did. He is afraid. I didn't allow him to come here." Cristina told me. I relaxed a little bit until there was this sharp pain back again. It felt horrible.

"I'm going to prepare everything." Karen said and left me with Cristina alone.

"I want him with me. Derek, I mean. I want him to be with me when the baby is born." Now my last power left me and I was incredible tired.

"Derek? He isn't allowed to stand up. ….. But I'll try. No problem." she answered. I closed my eyes. I could feel the baby moving. I still didn't know if it was a girl or a boy. Derek was sure it would be a girl. I told him it would be a boy. The others were split. Alex: Boy, Cristina: Boy, Owen: Girl, Arizona: Boy, Callie: Girl. It was like everyone in the hospital had his or her own opinion. I could hardly breathe. My head felt heavy. And I slept.

Cristina ran though the corridor until she reached the ICU and Derek's room. And what she saw was her worst nightmare. Teddy and Jackson stood in front of him. Trying to save his life.

"What happened?" Normally Cristina stayed calm. In every situation she was cool like a freezer. She didn't get crazy. But this time it was different. Altman tried to save Meredith's McDreamy. The father of McBaby.

"His heart stopped beating. We need to get him into the OR. Yang, you'll come with us." Teddy shouted at her.  
"I can't. I mean… I have to be with Meredith." Cristina could say. She stumbled out the words.

"Isn't it more important to save her husband?" Jackson asked.

"She is having her baby."

"Okay, be with her. Let's go." Altman told nurses around her. Then they rolled out Derek. He was sedated. Asleep. He couldn't be with Meredith. He couldn't be with his child. And Cristina couldn't Meredith. She took a deep breath and ran back to Meredith's room.

"Dr. Yang! Hurry up. We need to get her into the OR." Hollow shouted at her. She sounded like Teddy. Totally like her. Cristina stared at me like a ghost. I knew I didn't look good. Pale skin, sweat on my forehead and the oxygen mask on my face. Through the mask I tried to say something.

"Where's Derek?" I whispered. Cristina had no answer.

"He couldn't be here. He's not allowed. I'm sorry." She was nervous. I could see that. But my eye lids won the stare fight and I fell asleep. Again.

Cristina was nervous. In a few minutes Meredith would be a mother. Former dark and twisty Meredith would be a shiny and married mommy. She stood in the OR and watched Dr. Hollow performing the surgery. The seconds passed by and Cristina waited for Karen to give her Meredith's baby. Her godchild. Derek and Meredith had told her, she would be the godmother of their first-born baby. She was excited about it. Nobody knew that. Except Meredith. Finally Hollow held the small baby in her hands and handed it to Cristina. It was a baby girl. But there was no first scream. No breathing.

In another OR just a few steps away was Derek. His chest was open. Doctors and nurses stood around him. Teddy operated on him. She bent over his body, a defibrillator in her hands. But his heart still didn't want to start beating. There was only a flatline on the monitor.

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Everyone wants to save a life. But sometimes people and patients don't choose life. It's a simple explanation for this simple fact. And we try to explore the reason behind it. Some of them have nothing left to loose. Some of them just want to sleep. And some of them are just born and don't know how beautiful life is. So they don't know that they need to survive. Sometimes people want to fight. To see their friends, their family and their children again. But unfortunately not everyone gets a chance. To live. To die. To survive.


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